An Experience that Changed Me Forever

In the late 70's and 80's isolation tanks were in vogue. An isolation tank is a lightless, soundproof tank inside which a person floats effortlessly in heavy epsom salt water at skin temperature. It is dark, quiet, and the body has no sense of weight or direction. It is like floating in space, and while floating one almost invariably slips into a deep deep meditative state.

In 1980, I floated everyday for 30 days. We actually had one in our home in a room dedicated to its use. The last time I used the tank, I got in as usual for an hour float and out of habit tried to adjust my eyes to the darkness, which wasn't possible as the dark was black. As soon as I was comfortably bobbing on the water like an apple, and became quiet internally, I sensed something that wouldn't go away. There was a presence in the tank with me. It obviously was not another person, but there was a consciousness that wanted to communicate with me. My immediate internal response was that I did not want to communicate with it, due to an old habit of pushing away anything spiritually unusual. I then said to it in my thoughts, "if you have something to say to me, tell me in my dreams." With that, it went away and I continued floating and forgot about it.

While asleep that night, I had what can only be described as a super awake transcendent experience. I was more aware than at any other time in my life both before, or since. This was not merely a lucid dream. It went as follows:

Walking down the street, I moved as quickly as I could trying to be on time for an important appointment, but I was late. Immense frustration arose about the slowness with which things happen in physical reality. Walking in particular seemed a tediously slow way to transport oneself in order to meet with someone. I became unwilling to put up with it. I had had enough of this world, and chose to leave. I died on the spot, and simply vanished from the face of the earth.

Instantly, I found myself in the midst of the other side of this life. I was dead, and more alive than I had ever experienced. An astounding consciousness and awareness rushed in revealing all that I am as a possibility. My ego vanished without so much as a glance backward. I had no opinions, no judgments, or thoughts, only awareness and love.

I floated in light, varying shades of brilliant pale yellow light. It was like being in the eye of a hurricane, which at the center is intensely calm and peaceful. Encircling the light where I floated was a pale to medium gray cloud bank, much like a dense fog which I sensed went beyond the horizon in every direction. It went further than my consciousness could even begin to track it. My awareness scanned the fog itself, and was drawn to another unseen being. Our attention connected, and we instantly knew the entire history and essence of each other. The gray cloud bank surrounding the circle of light in which I floated, undulated and seethed with the essence of intelligence. Surrounded by this consciousness, I knew it to be a source of creation, knowing, and existence. Its power, compassion and extraordinary humility were founded in an inexpressibly profound love for all creation. It desired to create, to know, and share its love with all of creation. From this love emerged all that is, and is not possible.

I experienced myself as these divine qualities. I knew complete union with the light and all of creation. I was engulfed in an overwhelming pristine love, so clear and profound that the sheer magnitude felt like I was being electrocuted by love. Every possible way that I could experience was so overwhelmed that nothing existed except love and me. The very air I breathed into my lungs was love; I tasted love in the atoms that passed through my mouth; I felt love enter my body through every pore; I heard love in the music of the spheres; and I saw love in the light all around me. It was the experience of being annihilated by love. I knew this love was the source of what I am, my ability to exist, know and create. Love was my consciousness, and I loved for the sake of loving. There was no reason to love. I simply was love, love for myself and anything that drew me to it. I was who it is possible to be as a human being.

My system could not stand the power, purity, and magnitude of the experience, yet I never wanted to leave. I was a moth drawn to the flame. I was home, and my soul basked in the union I had longed for all of my life. I knew if I stayed in it I would either go insane or die because my system could not stand the purity and intensity. I didn't care as long I could stay just one second more. Yet, I was pulled back from the love and instantly awoke. Tears of ecstasy, and grief at separation ran uncontrollably.

Even though I knew this gift was meant to open my eyes and heart, for years, I didn't know what I had been in the presence of. Sometimes I thought it was God, other times I thought it was a God-like being.

I was different at my core; it was almost as if my DNA had shifted. The course of my life changed to reflect the shift. My life became about service. This experience also helped me get through a long "dark night of the soul" period. It wasn't for another 15 years though that I began to fully embrace my spiritual nature. As stated in a previous post "Something About Me" I had to hit bottom and become spiritually destitute in order to begin waking up.

I finally asked John De Ruiter, my teacher, what I had been in the presence of. He very calmly said, "You, one of your potential realities, and there is more."

There is an eternity of more for all of us.

Love and peace...