Loving Balance Within, Part 1

Can you step back from your own mind and thus understand all things?  -Lao Tzu

Open your heart and everything opens. At the core of your heart is the taste of love, be that with everything that you are.  A the core of your heart is the sound of love, be that with everything that you are.  What awe comes from, be that with everything that you are.  Being qualities such as these brings up childlikeness and a sense of wonderful freedom while in the midst of knowing holiness, a sense of oneness.

"Open Heart"  11 x 13 inches acrylic ink on paper

Oneness, merging with your innermost, will have all the parts of you moving together in balance while functioning from a higher knowing. Nothing of you or your past is to be gotten rid of; it is all to be integrated in balance, all your patterns, your person, mind, thoughts, feelings, personality.  You cannot make your self the center of this, or you will experience separation and not able to see.  You will be blinded.  You can only bring all of you to this in balance.  

You will find your holiness within all that you are when you are completely trustworthy of not misusing anything.  If you cannot include,or need to escape anything of your self then you are still not trustworthy with your self. To exclude anything of you, except what is not true, is to exclude a particular expression of the Absolute.  The higher you move as awareness, the more that must be integrated or there will be imbalance. 

You can no longer blame any part of you, you can only now take good care of all parts of you.  If you are being less than completely true it will show up as blame in one of the parts of you.  If there is blame then you will know you are being untrustworthy.  When you blame a part of you, trying to exclude it in someway, then you know you are trying to get away with something and making it okay to do that.  Shame will come up when you recognize you have been trying to get away with something and making it look like you aren't doing that, within yourself or to others.  

This leads to an experience of being fragmented within.  If this is happening in form then it is assuredly happening within truth.  This is you requiring truth to change instead you changing to fit truth.  You cannot pick and choose what aspects of yourself to bring forward or leave behind.  You cannot choose only some aspects of truth to integrate, while leaving others behind.  You cannot make what you are being that is untrue into something that is acceptable and true when it is not. You cannot pick and choose, or everything will be thrown out of balance. When you are living cleanly within, then you are learning.  You are training your self.   You will be getting to know all parts of you at a finer level.  Love learning, love balance within.  Love including all your parts, love truth.

Do not follow a particular way of thinking, follow a way of being guided by a love of truth.  Following what you think will produce tradition.  Follow a way of being because of the truth and realness you see in it.  Loving this way of being has love become that way of being.  Then it will all become real in you, as you.  God living in form.  Remember... getting rid of any part of you will leave you blind where that part used to be.

It has to be whole, or you will experience parts of you as outside of you, separate.  We have been used to examining parts separate from the whole, and we view them as distinct pieces, not integrated as the whole.  As you begin to realize the wholeness within you it will come together slowly at first.  As more and more of it integrates clearly then the learning comes very fast.

Also, allowing what you are being to be guided by a particular experience or feeling is not an accurate way to know what is true. Your experience may not match what you are being and know is true.  If you look into your past you can see times when your experience was not congruent with what is true. Be wholeness, it is wonderfully freeing, complete.  

Give all of you to your innermost. Let go, coming completely apart ,and then coming back together in a fundamentally new way that at first you may not recognize, or understand, but know  is true.

A flower that grows between two rocks requires the rocks for it to grow between.  Flowers don't know it is difficult to grow between rocks; they just grow.  It is all possible within the whole.  

"There is profound responsibility in being Love,’ …more than the mind could imagine or hold up under. If most human beings truly realized the impact that they have on the whole, they’d be crushed by the realization of it."  -Adyashanti

"Life is like music for its own sake. We are living in an eternal now, and when we listen to music we are not listening to the past, we are not listening to the future, we are listening to an expanded present."  -Alan Watts

Love and Peace...

Glimpses Into the Future

We all get glimpses into a possible us, what we can be and do in this life.  These glimpses are like a lighthouse beacon in the dark reminding us to pay attention and take good care of what we are. With life shouting for our immediate attention we can dismiss these glimpses, but they always come back. They cannot leave because they are us in this life. Most would say these glimpses resonate in their heart. They get our attention and we are likely to remember them far into our future. They are an invitation to be, and as such have a realness different from our normal way of seeing. We may not understand what it all means or might entail, but they get our interest in uncommon ways. They indicate something we are to accomplish. We all have these and it shows as a pull or drive toward something asking to be fulfilled. They will either be realized or not; it is our choice.

"Deep Life" 8 x 10 inches acrylic on paper

This is different than healing the mis-perception that we can be separate from God. It is different than deeply and intimately giving all that we are at every level to God within and staying there. However, this oneness with God is the prerequisite for manifesting in form what you truly are to be and do, enabling you to shine forth in ways not yet imagined. This is not to say that before oneness with God within we do not manifest aspects of what we are here for, we do, in fact we cannot help it. But to fully be and then do, you must first surrender to what you first are within. There can be no ego in this, or you will be like someone running whose one foot is nailed to the floor. There is movement and it might even feel like there is momentum, but are you really going anywhere?

 When I was 16 years old, I had a most disconcerting realization. I saw that what I was here to accomplish would not happen until I was old and fairly wrinkled. I tried ignoring the thought.  I tried to say it was a lie, but it just would not change or go away. The kinds of questions I asked myself were, "Assuming this is true, what do I do with my life between now and then? Am I really supposed to wait around my whole life for something to happen that I am not even sure what it is? What if it doesn't happen, will I have wasted my life because I should have been doing something else? What if I don't recognize it when it finally arrives? What if I get old and then don't care about it?

 So, here I am at age 63 never having spoken about this to anyone until about two years ago. It is only in hindsight that I can see a direction in my life towards something I've always known.  I also see both the wayward off-track movements, and the clear choices supporting what I needed for growth and development in my character and being. There has been pain, fear and joy just like everyone else's life, but I never gave up on what I saw when I was 16.

As I got older though I knew I was missing key elements in my self-awareness. My foundation was incomplete, but I didn't know exactly what was missing. I couldn't see it because I had become controlling, tight inside, self-important (when you don't know who you are, it has to be covered up that you don't know who you are). I had ways of being that I just didn't need, but in my blindness I didn't know that. I didn't know it was okay to be vulnerable, soft, open, kind and core-splittingly honest, patient and humble.  It took 10 years with my teacher to let go, and then let go more. The letting go never stops.

 It is a strange experience to know that whatever is occurring as my life is just "grist for the mill", an aspect of whatever I need to be prepared for in what is to come. I have spent 55 years in this space. I have tried to be a good student of life and am honored to do my small part. Interestingly, I still don't know exactly what my small part is, except writing this blog is a part of it. I'm just still paying attention.

 It seems appropriate to tell you about a dream I had about 18 years ago. It begins 29,000 years in the future on this planet. I'm facing three beings living here. Everything is grayed out behind them so I cannot see it. They said one sentence to me. "The time in which you live you are not remembered for what what you did to each other, but for whom you are trying to become." This has been a awesome message of hope for me, that it all turns out even though it looks very bleak when we treat each other so badly and treat our planet so badly.

I was allowed to see one thing because it couldn't be helped. We shimmer around the edges and have lost some mass because we have learned to photosynthesize, get nutrition from light. We literally become light beings.

 ... fundamentally, most people want to remain separate and in control. Simply put, most people want to keep dreaming that they are special, unique, and separate... more than they want to wake up to the perfect unity of an Unknown which leaves no room for any separation from the whole. --Adyashanti

 There is no longer a mind, so-to-speak.
There is no longer a you or a me.
There is no longer a universe or a world.
There is no longer a question of liberation.
There is no longer a question.

For there is no one left to ask a question.
There is no one left to have an experience.
There is no one left to see the world.
There is no one left to have a problem.
You become an embodiment of total joy.
You actually do not become an embodiment of total joy because you never existed.
Total joy just is.
It isn't this and it isn't that.
It just is. --Robert Adams

Peace and love...

1970: Military, Rock Bands and Psychic Phenomena

I got married to my high school sweetheart in 1967 at the young age of almost 18. Six months before we married John joined the U.S. Air Force as a ploy to avoid being drafted by the Army and then immediately shipped off to Vietnam.  He was assigned to Nellis Air Force base in Las Vegas, Nevada, and that is where we lived from 1967-1970.  The Vietnam War was full steam ahead, and to many folks it appeared that we might win.  No one knew exactly what winning was supposed to look like, but we were assured it would be worth the effort.   Vietnam was the first television war and the graphic coverage never meshed well with our daily dose of assurances and anti-war demonstrations were a natural outcome of this disparity, however, there were no anti-war demonstrations in Las Vegas.  The thought of a demonstration never seriously occurred to anyone; not with the mafia, Nellis Air Force base and heavy-handed police force all at their visible apex of power.  It was generally agreed that drawing attention to oneself as anti-establishment was a terrible idea  almost certainly resulting in a violent outcome. 

"Chaos Theory"  24 x 36 inches mixed media on canvas

John was never actually at Nellis itself.  He instead took a daily 60 mile bus ride to Indian Springs, a tiny temporary auxiliary base in the middle of absolutely nowhere that coincidentally was also on the way to the Atomic Energy Commision's underground bomb site.  The AEC had a nasty habit of exploding atomic bombs underground about every six months, which also frequently blew out the windows in John 's office about 40 miles away, and rocked every building in a 100 mile radius--including our apartment.  The public was enthusiastically assured this was all entirely safe, except once when personnel at the military base were told not to drink milk from local cows.  No one else in Las Vegas was supposed to know about that and it was not reported in any of the newspapers.

 Anyway, the base had been established in 1945, and was designed to last five years.  Not much happened there, ever, and it was considered semi-isolated.  No one was supposed to be stationed there more than a year.  John, however, had a friend in the transfer room at Nellis and every time his name came up, he would simply re-file John to the back of the list and so John stayed put for three years.  As the base draftsman, boredom was John's chief emotional state because nothing had been drafted in many years except door signs and birthday party invitations, but it sure beat going to Vietnam.  For that he was boringly grateful.

On weekends he got together and played music with friends.  Eventually a band formed and some good songs were written.  John was elected to manage the group as he was somewhat lacking in musical talent and everybody else was skimpy on discipline.  The band played a lot in Las Vegas and opened for "Canned Heat" and the "Doors".  This naturally meant that they should then go on a 1970 summer tour in Europe along with almost every other decent rock band in the U.S.  So, John got out of the military and off they went with much fanfare and hope for international renown.  

I was to follow three weeks later with two other friends, but there was one minor issue. The band's itinerary changed and no one knew where they were.  All we could piece together was they were either in Osnabruck, Germany, or Copenhagen or somewhere in-between.  So the departure date arrived, and with that information we left for London.  

Now it would be logical to ask, "What were you thinking" or "Did you have any kind of a plan?" The answers are I wasn't, and no.

We fooled around and went to museums in London for a couple of days and then hopped a ferry leaving Dover.  On the ferry we split-up because I wanted to go to Copenhagen and they felt drawn to Osnabruck.  

After landing in France, I hitch-hiked to Amsterdam having gotten a ride with a gentlemanly, Austrian, truck driver with a cargo of white wine.  I flew the rest of the way to Copenhagen and then took a train from the airport to downtown and waited in the station for the local hostel to open.  I had not slept since leaving London 48 hours earlier, and was literally asleep on my feet.  I met some other English speaking kids who were also waiting for the hostel to open, so I simply followed them to it as I had lost all ability to function coherently.  After sleeping for five hours, I went downtown. In 1970, people traveling could receive mail and leave messages for people at the American Express office, so I did that.  Then I just wandered around for awhile wondering how I was going to find John in a city of one million people, if he was even there.  Eventually, I went back to the train station and waited for the bus going to the hostel.  It arrived and left, but I did not get on. I was not thinking of anything in particular, but I had a pull to go instead across the street to Tivoli Gardens.  I went in, wandered around a bit and then stopped, turned left and stopped again directly in front of a bench.  John was sitting there, and I said, "Hi."  Stunned was hardly the word for the look on his face.  

What are the odds of that happening?  I was in a city of one million people, plus we had to be in the same place at the same time, and... I didn't even know if he was in Denmark.  It was astounding and still is.  

Even stranger, it happened again 10 days later with our friends who had gone instead to Osnabruck.  John and I were sitting on a bench on the Stroget, a walking street in downtown Copenhagen.  It was after business hours and no one else was on the street, then we saw them and sat quietly waiting for them to discover us.  Literally, there was only the four of us on the entire street. They went berserk.  They had bought a van and only just arrived in Copenhagen 10 minutes earlier.  So this synchronicity happened not once, but twice.  

Even stranger than that, never once did it occur to me that I would not find John.  It never occurred to our friends either.  No family member taking us to the airport, or calling to wish us a safe trip questioned us about anything regarding our plans if we didn't find the band. Everything played out as if a meticulous travel agent had taken care of every detail for a successful trip to Europe.  

Of course, at the time I had no understanding at any level about how these kinds of things occur, but I knew for sure that reality was very very different than anything that had previously occurred to me.  I realized I had no idea what reality actually was, nor did I understand almost anything about how it worked, or my place in it.  I now know a little more, but it still isn't much considering what is possible that I am not yet aware of.  The more I know, the less I know.

Some of what I know is that reality can only show up in accordance with what I am being, or in some way have set in motion. That's obvious.  For instance, my reality cannot show up as yours without a complete disconnect for you from everything you rely on as real. 

I have also come to know that we are to realize and merge with the context that awareness comes from.  We are to realize we are all of what is, not just an aspect of it, or a part of it.  There is so much more to us than just our personal experience, and there is more than the  impersonal self.  When we no longer experience, in any way, that we are just a part of something larger that instead we are all of it, then all separation melts away ever so gently and we are what we hold most dearly in our hearts.  Then events like the above, finding someone on the other side of the planet becomes natural and not at all surprising.  What formerly looked chaotic suddenly snaps into view with awesome clarity and we instantly see our place in the all of It.

Peace and love....

In the Flow During Difficult Times

It is easy to be grounded and in the flow when life is still and smooth. When we are confronted with coarseness in ourselves or someone else, there is a natural draw to an old orientation, an old mechanism. However, if you remain in what you know is true within, you can shift into an authentic orientation giving you new resources, which will change your self and your foundation.

 "In the Flow" is 24 x 36 inches on canvas using acrylic paint, inks, and iridescent powders. 

While in the midst of coarseness take an internal inventory. Any place within that you are tight, judgmental, hard, or closed-down will cement your own coarseness. When you find yourself in these kinds of spaces gently go back to what you know and stay in kindness, softness, openness and honesty within. This will bring you back to a good stable foundation. Stay vulnerable and let go of any need to be controlling, and... don't confuse being in control with being controlling.

Be and stay clear as glass inside. Give the coarseness nothing to grasp onto, just be clear. If it has nothing to hold onto then it has no choice, but to move right on through having touched nothing of you. Things like this must keep moving because of their distortion, they must search for a place to attach. It cannot stay in you unless it has a place to land. Give it nothing.

While in the midst of difficulties it is easy to see the state of our foundation. This is when it is most apparent what there is to let go of, and be responsible for. We all fall down at times, and that is really okay. What matters most is what we are being as we get up.

The roots of our foundation must run deep to the core of our being. We have to be unshakable in giving all internal power only to our innermost. If you do not develop deep roots within then you will be like a young tree; any strong wind that happens to come along will blow you over. You will fly with the wind and your roots will have left the ground they were moving through. We then find we are being something we really do know we are not, and we also know we are compromising our consciousness.

*  *  *  *  *  *

People are not very comfortable with the idea of cost, but it is unavoidable. There is always a cost to everything, even your next breath. To be everything, costs everything. This is especially true about spiritual development. There is no free spiritual lunch. And yet, many people think awakening should be miraculously bestowed upon them. In 99% of the cases this just doesn't occur. This has been the hardest work I have ever done, and most of the time it was like trying to see the back of my own eyeball. Now it doesn't have to be hard, it is actually easy. It just all depends on the depth of one's attachments and what you are willing to let go of. Hopefully you are a faster learner than I have been. So I have a question of you:

When you die what kind of life are you willing to have had? Will you have been what you came here for, or will you have missed the boat? You can already see where your life is headed.  Remember, either way there is a cost for what you have accomplished or avoided.

Peace and love....