"There is no coming conscious without pain. People will do everything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own soul. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious." -Carl Jung
You are the only one who can open your door. A teacher can show you the door and say what it takes to open, and then enter it. The teacher can do no more, or they would be doing your work for you, and you cannot enter the door without doing the work. How could you recognize the door without the awareness to see it for what it is? You can see it for what it is by seeing the same in you, as you. The work is you developing your foundation, being and integrating the entirety of your foundation. Then the door opens, and there are many many doors to what is beyond.
Once you know the taste of what is beyond, you cannot turn away from it, nor can you turn your mind away from it. You can only be with the taste, facing it in what is beyond. You are not to run into it, nor run away from it. The taste is just there and yet there is also direction into it. You cannot make this yours. It is not for you. It is simply letting true choice move. It is letting heart consciousness move into being only what it knows.
There is no true real flight unless you are being the very very tip of the arrow. If you have anything of your mind in front of you then there is no flight. You are stuck. You cannot place your own comfort in front of you. When you seek your own comfort everything stops. Any comfort within you isn’t for you; it is for others, for you to give them not to get for yourself. Others are then comforted by you being what you know. You are an example. Such comforting draws them to be what they know. Comfort is only for those that have something in front of them. And the comfort is there to take them to what they know, beyond what they are dealing with.
You can have nothing of your mind in front of you. It is you being completely out in front of your entire mind. It is you being what you know, moving into what you know. The energy of that, the energy of what you are being, moves through the whole arrow transforming it and enabling it to function. It functions in ways that you know are possible, but that you cannot grasp. As soon as you recede past the very tip of the arrow where there seems to be nothing, then you are being something that you know you are not, an actual compromise within consciousness, and consciousness knowing it has been compromised.
There will always be very many reasons for this compromise, but there is never a single excuse and that is because you actually know what is true. You know what knowing is. You can only be knowing without using the support of mind in front of you.
By being solidly in your foundation, you’ll find the key to the door, and the key is not for you to have or use. It is for you to be. You are the key. When you are completely and solidly grounded in your foundation the key opens the door within. It opens you. What was previously in the dark is now a living being within you, but that only takes place by you being it. Your foundation will match what you are being.
It begins by facing the taste. The way is clear; you are not allowed to give up.
Part of the above is loosely paraphrased excerpts of a conversation with John De Ruiter in 2003.
" You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens "~Rumi
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Monday, July 23, 2012
An Experience that Changed Me Forever
In the late 70's and 80's isolation tanks were in vogue. An isolation tank is a lightless, soundproof tank inside which a person floats effortlessly in heavy epsom salt water at skin temperature. It is dark, quiet, and the body has no sense of weight or direction. It is like floating in space, and while floating one almost invariably slips into a deep deep meditative state.
In 1980, I floated everyday for 30 days. We actually had one in our home in a room dedicated to its use. The last time I used the tank, I got in as usual for an hour float and out of habit tried to adjust my eyes to the darkness, which wasn't possible as the dark was black. As soon as I was comfortably bobbing on the water like an apple, and became quiet internally, I sensed something that wouldn't go away. There was a presence in the tank with me. It obviously was not another person, but there was a consciousness that wanted to communicate with me. My immediate internal response was that I did not want to communicate with it, due to an old habit of pushing away anything spiritually unusual. I then said to it in my thoughts, "if you have something to say to me, tell me in my dreams." With that, it went away and I continued floating and forgot about it.
While asleep that night, I had what can only be described as a super awake transcendent experience. I was more aware than at any other time in my life both before, or since. This was not merely a lucid dream. It went as follows:
Walking down the street, I moved as quickly as I could trying to be on time for an important appointment, but I was late. Immense frustration arose about the slowness with which things happen in physical reality. Walking in particular seemed a tediously slow way to transport oneself in order to meet with someone. I became unwilling to put up with it. I had had enough of this world, and chose to leave. I died on the spot, and simply vanished from the face of the earth.
Instantly, I found myself in the midst of the other side of this life. I was dead, and more alive than I had ever experienced. An astounding consciousness and awareness rushed in revealing all that I am as a possibility. My ego vanished without so much as a glance backward. I had no opinions, no judgments, or thoughts, only awareness and love.
I floated in light, varying shades of brilliant pale yellow light. It was like being in the eye of a hurricane, which at the center is intensely calm and peaceful. Encircling the light where I floated was a pale to medium gray cloud bank, much like a dense fog which I sensed went beyond the horizon in every direction. It went further than my consciousness could even begin to track it. My awareness scanned the fog itself, and was drawn to another unseen being. Our attention connected, and we instantly knew the entire history and essence of each other. The gray cloud bank surrounding the circle of light in which I floated, undulated and seethed with the essence of intelligence. Surrounded by this consciousness, I knew it to be a source of creation, knowing, and existence. Its power, compassion and extraordinary humility were founded in an inexpressibly profound love for all creation. It desired to create, to know, and share its love with all of creation. From this love emerged all that is, and is not possible.
I experienced myself as these divine qualities. I knew complete union with the light and all of creation. I was engulfed in an overwhelming pristine love, so clear and profound that the sheer magnitude felt like I was being electrocuted by love. Every possible way that I could experience was so overwhelmed that nothing existed except love and me. The very air I breathed into my lungs was love; I tasted love in the atoms that passed through my mouth; I felt love enter my body through every pore; I heard love in the music of the spheres; and I saw love in the light all around me. It was the experience of being annihilated by love. I knew this love was the source of what I am, my ability to exist, know and create. Love was my consciousness, and I loved for the sake of loving. There was no reason to love. I simply was love, love for myself and anything that drew me to it. I was who it is possible to be as a human being.
My system could not stand the power, purity, and magnitude of the experience, yet I never wanted to leave. I was a moth drawn to the flame. I was home, and my soul basked in the union I had longed for all of my life. I knew if I stayed in it I would either go insane or die because my system could not stand the purity and intensity. I didn't care as long I could stay just one second more. Yet, I was pulled back from the love and instantly awoke. Tears of ecstasy, and grief at separation ran uncontrollably.
Even though I knew this gift was meant to open my eyes and heart, for years, I didn't know what I had been in the presence of. Sometimes I thought it was God, other times I thought it was a God-like being.
I was different at my core; it was almost as if my DNA had shifted. The course of my life changed to reflect the shift. My life became about service. This experience also helped me get through a long "dark night of the soul" period. It wasn't for another 15 years though that I began to fully embrace my spiritual nature. As stated in a previous post "Something About Me" I had to hit bottom and become spiritually destitute in order to begin waking up.
I finally asked John De Ruiter, my teacher, what I had been in the presence of. He very calmly said, "You, one of your potential realities, and there is more."
There is an eternity of more for all of us.
Love and peace...
In 1980, I floated everyday for 30 days. We actually had one in our home in a room dedicated to its use. The last time I used the tank, I got in as usual for an hour float and out of habit tried to adjust my eyes to the darkness, which wasn't possible as the dark was black. As soon as I was comfortably bobbing on the water like an apple, and became quiet internally, I sensed something that wouldn't go away. There was a presence in the tank with me. It obviously was not another person, but there was a consciousness that wanted to communicate with me. My immediate internal response was that I did not want to communicate with it, due to an old habit of pushing away anything spiritually unusual. I then said to it in my thoughts, "if you have something to say to me, tell me in my dreams." With that, it went away and I continued floating and forgot about it.
While asleep that night, I had what can only be described as a super awake transcendent experience. I was more aware than at any other time in my life both before, or since. This was not merely a lucid dream. It went as follows:
Walking down the street, I moved as quickly as I could trying to be on time for an important appointment, but I was late. Immense frustration arose about the slowness with which things happen in physical reality. Walking in particular seemed a tediously slow way to transport oneself in order to meet with someone. I became unwilling to put up with it. I had had enough of this world, and chose to leave. I died on the spot, and simply vanished from the face of the earth.
Instantly, I found myself in the midst of the other side of this life. I was dead, and more alive than I had ever experienced. An astounding consciousness and awareness rushed in revealing all that I am as a possibility. My ego vanished without so much as a glance backward. I had no opinions, no judgments, or thoughts, only awareness and love.
I floated in light, varying shades of brilliant pale yellow light. It was like being in the eye of a hurricane, which at the center is intensely calm and peaceful. Encircling the light where I floated was a pale to medium gray cloud bank, much like a dense fog which I sensed went beyond the horizon in every direction. It went further than my consciousness could even begin to track it. My awareness scanned the fog itself, and was drawn to another unseen being. Our attention connected, and we instantly knew the entire history and essence of each other. The gray cloud bank surrounding the circle of light in which I floated, undulated and seethed with the essence of intelligence. Surrounded by this consciousness, I knew it to be a source of creation, knowing, and existence. Its power, compassion and extraordinary humility were founded in an inexpressibly profound love for all creation. It desired to create, to know, and share its love with all of creation. From this love emerged all that is, and is not possible.
I experienced myself as these divine qualities. I knew complete union with the light and all of creation. I was engulfed in an overwhelming pristine love, so clear and profound that the sheer magnitude felt like I was being electrocuted by love. Every possible way that I could experience was so overwhelmed that nothing existed except love and me. The very air I breathed into my lungs was love; I tasted love in the atoms that passed through my mouth; I felt love enter my body through every pore; I heard love in the music of the spheres; and I saw love in the light all around me. It was the experience of being annihilated by love. I knew this love was the source of what I am, my ability to exist, know and create. Love was my consciousness, and I loved for the sake of loving. There was no reason to love. I simply was love, love for myself and anything that drew me to it. I was who it is possible to be as a human being.
My system could not stand the power, purity, and magnitude of the experience, yet I never wanted to leave. I was a moth drawn to the flame. I was home, and my soul basked in the union I had longed for all of my life. I knew if I stayed in it I would either go insane or die because my system could not stand the purity and intensity. I didn't care as long I could stay just one second more. Yet, I was pulled back from the love and instantly awoke. Tears of ecstasy, and grief at separation ran uncontrollably.
Even though I knew this gift was meant to open my eyes and heart, for years, I didn't know what I had been in the presence of. Sometimes I thought it was God, other times I thought it was a God-like being.
I was different at my core; it was almost as if my DNA had shifted. The course of my life changed to reflect the shift. My life became about service. This experience also helped me get through a long "dark night of the soul" period. It wasn't for another 15 years though that I began to fully embrace my spiritual nature. As stated in a previous post "Something About Me" I had to hit bottom and become spiritually destitute in order to begin waking up.
I finally asked John De Ruiter, my teacher, what I had been in the presence of. He very calmly said, "You, one of your potential realities, and there is more."
There is an eternity of more for all of us.
Love and peace...
Sunday, July 22, 2012
What it Takes to Awaken
How to awaken is not some closely guarded secret. There is also no mystery that God, the Universe or anyone else has conjured to make awakening a perplexing conundrum. No one is withholding information to make this difficult.
Awakening is simple, and yet... for almost everyone maddeningly illusive, vaporous, sometimes difficult and even frightening. We might find ourselves in despair at ever attaining anything, let alone being completely identified with and then mastered by what we know the truth of in our heart. I know this personally as it took 10 years of close work with a teacher to finally let go, and here I am always at the beginning, no matter where I am.
As I said in a previous post, the completeness of the foundation we build as we get to know ourselves is critical. Every stone in your foundation is to be turned over and integrated and then the entire house, representing your being, is to be integrated. Everything of your person and self is to be integrated into the all that you are. Everything you have been, done, thought, felt, realized in this life of yours is to be fully integrated, taken responsibility for. Nothing is left behind. Sometimes this is pleasant and sometimes it isn't. None of that matters. What matters is what you are being right now, and right now, and right now. What matters is what you are willing to give it.
The four cornerstones of your foundation are openness, kindness, softness and honesty. Train yourself to be these qualities, first with yourself and then with everyone and everything. It doesn't matter if you make mistakes, or fall down. What matters is how you get up. Be kind to yourself as you get up.
Phrases like "I am my own worst enemy" and "I'm too hard on myself" have no place in this conversation. Self criticism instantly shuts down every cornerstone and there is an experience of trying to get back to what you know. You may experience tightness in your body. You may get a sore throat or a cold. Your sense of connection and relatedness to what you love will be gone. For me when this happened it was like trying to get back by scratching my way through a glass wall; I could see it, but could not touch it, or be it. Just simply stop everything and drop down into deep quietude. Let everything go, nothing is more important than what you know is most profoundly true. It is still right there waiting for you. You can do this.
Not listening to the voice in your head, and letting in what you discover, may be a very slow process in the beginning and that is for your own protection, otherwise you would begin to know and see things you cannot yet be responsible for. Every once in awhile, we might inadvertently step into something or somewhere we do not yet belong, and we know we do not belong there. We know we do not have the appropriate context or foundation to deal with it well. This can be applied to both positive or negative experiences. When I was 20 years old, I was visiting a friend and late one evening a poltergeist took her entire kitchen and bathroom apart in 10 seconds. There were other events of a positive nature, but I still did not how to make sense of it all. So for 25 years I ran from anything other than mere dabbling and fooling around with spiritual subjects. Subjects were chosen based on their potential to make me feel good. Obviously, I was not open; I was just scared because I had previously gotten in over my head.
If you were to instantly know everything you are looking for with nothing held back, you would come face to face with what you most love and most fear. It would be completely overwhelming and there would be little ability to integrate it.
Imagine for a moment though you could see and know the entirety of whatever spiritual knowledge you put your attention on. Would you be tempted even a little bit to impress anyone, to look good, to use it to get ahead in life, to compare how you are doing with someone else's progress, to feel really good about yourself, to be right about your path, even to pull back in fear because you did not have the foundation in place to integrate what you are knowing? Every single person has made these kinds of mistakes and being the qualities of kindness, softness, openness and honesty really does help you move forward.
As we develop ourselves and let go of old internal patterns we encounter thresholds to get across. Each one we step through has pitfalls and a new level of mastery has to take place before the next threshold appears. You have to be entirely absorbed by, give yourself to the current level of awareness. When you have mastered the current level, the next threshold naturally appears. Life will always bring you what you next need to know. Knowing truth is easy, implementing it in our everyday life is not so easy. This is where we get to see how well we have integrated what we know, "where the rubber meets the road".
When I met John De Ruiter, my teacher, that is when my work began in earnest and it took ten years and will continue to unfold through eternity. It won't be rushed; it is what it is. The only reason it takes so long is because of what we have to let go of, and our resistance to letting go.
Dying to oneself is a subject spiritual teachers have been addressing for ages. It is littered throughout the Bible. It simply means letting go of everything that has to do with living one's life for oneself. When one dies to that... what is truly alive within is free to awaken and move forward, to make itself known in you, as you, and then a whole new world opens up. It is what awe comes from.
The love I have for God pulls me into communion. It is a love from God that will not be denied. It is a love which shines so radiantly from God that when I turn my attention onto humanity, I can only see the extraordinary creation we are. In experiencing the profound love God has for me and all of humanity, I also experience a profound love for humanity and all that exists.
"If you cannot trust yourself, you cannot even trust your mistrust of yourself - so that without this underlying trust in the whole system of nature you are simply paralyzed." --Alan Watts (1915-1973)
"We are God's creation and when we say 'I love/ it is really God loving God. We are reflecting back that which was given us. The state of oneness we experience is nothing less than the soul communing with the Beloved and we know instantly our place in the world." --Hazrat Inayat Kahn (1882-1927)
Peace and love.....
Awakening is simple, and yet... for almost everyone maddeningly illusive, vaporous, sometimes difficult and even frightening. We might find ourselves in despair at ever attaining anything, let alone being completely identified with and then mastered by what we know the truth of in our heart. I know this personally as it took 10 years of close work with a teacher to finally let go, and here I am always at the beginning, no matter where I am.
As I said in a previous post, the completeness of the foundation we build as we get to know ourselves is critical. Every stone in your foundation is to be turned over and integrated and then the entire house, representing your being, is to be integrated. Everything of your person and self is to be integrated into the all that you are. Everything you have been, done, thought, felt, realized in this life of yours is to be fully integrated, taken responsibility for. Nothing is left behind. Sometimes this is pleasant and sometimes it isn't. None of that matters. What matters is what you are being right now, and right now, and right now. What matters is what you are willing to give it.
The four cornerstones of your foundation are openness, kindness, softness and honesty. Train yourself to be these qualities, first with yourself and then with everyone and everything. It doesn't matter if you make mistakes, or fall down. What matters is how you get up. Be kind to yourself as you get up.
Phrases like "I am my own worst enemy" and "I'm too hard on myself" have no place in this conversation. Self criticism instantly shuts down every cornerstone and there is an experience of trying to get back to what you know. You may experience tightness in your body. You may get a sore throat or a cold. Your sense of connection and relatedness to what you love will be gone. For me when this happened it was like trying to get back by scratching my way through a glass wall; I could see it, but could not touch it, or be it. Just simply stop everything and drop down into deep quietude. Let everything go, nothing is more important than what you know is most profoundly true. It is still right there waiting for you. You can do this.
Not listening to the voice in your head, and letting in what you discover, may be a very slow process in the beginning and that is for your own protection, otherwise you would begin to know and see things you cannot yet be responsible for. Every once in awhile, we might inadvertently step into something or somewhere we do not yet belong, and we know we do not belong there. We know we do not have the appropriate context or foundation to deal with it well. This can be applied to both positive or negative experiences. When I was 20 years old, I was visiting a friend and late one evening a poltergeist took her entire kitchen and bathroom apart in 10 seconds. There were other events of a positive nature, but I still did not how to make sense of it all. So for 25 years I ran from anything other than mere dabbling and fooling around with spiritual subjects. Subjects were chosen based on their potential to make me feel good. Obviously, I was not open; I was just scared because I had previously gotten in over my head.
If you were to instantly know everything you are looking for with nothing held back, you would come face to face with what you most love and most fear. It would be completely overwhelming and there would be little ability to integrate it.
Imagine for a moment though you could see and know the entirety of whatever spiritual knowledge you put your attention on. Would you be tempted even a little bit to impress anyone, to look good, to use it to get ahead in life, to compare how you are doing with someone else's progress, to feel really good about yourself, to be right about your path, even to pull back in fear because you did not have the foundation in place to integrate what you are knowing? Every single person has made these kinds of mistakes and being the qualities of kindness, softness, openness and honesty really does help you move forward.
As we develop ourselves and let go of old internal patterns we encounter thresholds to get across. Each one we step through has pitfalls and a new level of mastery has to take place before the next threshold appears. You have to be entirely absorbed by, give yourself to the current level of awareness. When you have mastered the current level, the next threshold naturally appears. Life will always bring you what you next need to know. Knowing truth is easy, implementing it in our everyday life is not so easy. This is where we get to see how well we have integrated what we know, "where the rubber meets the road".
When I met John De Ruiter, my teacher, that is when my work began in earnest and it took ten years and will continue to unfold through eternity. It won't be rushed; it is what it is. The only reason it takes so long is because of what we have to let go of, and our resistance to letting go.
Dying to oneself is a subject spiritual teachers have been addressing for ages. It is littered throughout the Bible. It simply means letting go of everything that has to do with living one's life for oneself. When one dies to that... what is truly alive within is free to awaken and move forward, to make itself known in you, as you, and then a whole new world opens up. It is what awe comes from.
The love I have for God pulls me into communion. It is a love from God that will not be denied. It is a love which shines so radiantly from God that when I turn my attention onto humanity, I can only see the extraordinary creation we are. In experiencing the profound love God has for me and all of humanity, I also experience a profound love for humanity and all that exists.
"If you cannot trust yourself, you cannot even trust your mistrust of yourself - so that without this underlying trust in the whole system of nature you are simply paralyzed." --Alan Watts (1915-1973)
"We are God's creation and when we say 'I love/ it is really God loving God. We are reflecting back that which was given us. The state of oneness we experience is nothing less than the soul communing with the Beloved and we know instantly our place in the world." --Hazrat Inayat Kahn (1882-1927)
Peace and love.....
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Something About Me
My personal life means little to me anymore, however, my father convinced me that I should say something about my life because it would help people relate better to what I am saying. I am taking his sage, 91 year old advice. My father is my best friend.
This is a little bit about how I began in earnest the search for a path, for knowing me, only to find there is no path and what I was looking for is what is looking.
To tell this story, I need to back track a little to create some context. In 1994, I quit work due to extreme burnout. For seven years I had been an executive, mother, caregiver for my ill husband (the black ops. guy), sole support for my family, and homemaker/cook at night and on the weekends. I really needed some time off and thought a two month break would be sufficient, but when I landed on the sofa, I didn't get up much for four months and couldn't even be counted on to go to the grocery store. I was shocked by how utterly depleted I was and realized I had almost killed myself. I'm fortunate that I only have a couple of residual health issues.
During my tenure on the sofa, a long-time therapist friend pronounced me--spiritually destitute. At first I was offended by this statement, and then I saw it was true. My condition was a desperate realization. There was no where left to go but inward. I had no idea who I was or why I was here on this planet, and what was worse saw I never had known. I was at ground zero.
I felt drawn and sometimes pushed into a personal retreat of intense internal discovery lasting almost four years. My marriage dissolved early in the process leaving me enough money to take care of myself and the children for four months. Initially I thought I just needed another two months or so, and during this time I would learn some really useful things about myself and my spirituality, and then go back to work before the money ran out. However, that was not to be the case. Whenever I tried to produce income with methods used in the past, I either got sick, or was met with the equivalent of an energetic stonewall. Nothing would happen. When I did things that supported my spiritual process, circumstances and finances somehow worked. I lived for four years this way. A close friend's assessment of this period of my life was that I lived in an altered state of grace in which the miraculous became commonplace.
Most of the four years were spent in quiet mystical rapture, watching, listening, contemplating, and being in union with God. I began to keep notes on file cards of my thoughts, experiences and realizations. The more I realized, the more I knew less and less about what God is. It seemed odd to know less and less about something, and yet... feel more and more connected and at one with it. Knowings, thoughts appeared in my awareness often with a clarity and origin outside of my normal thought processes; they were deeper, more profound and connected to all of life. I felt compelled to write them down. Eventually, with a stack of file cards three inches high I noticed I was writing a book. And so I began the process of converting my cards into a book and continued writing for the next three years.
Due to personal distress over my parent's divorce I barely completed high school, and did not finish college so there were distinct gaps in my education. I didn't actually know how to write other than short business communications, so taking on a book was not an easy or fast process in the beginning. I also needed to expand my vocabulary. Then there were additional issues like learning how to structure a book and writing about spirituality, a difficult subject to communicate in any kind of linear fashion. Of course, there was also grammar to bone-up on, something that I still sometimes puzzle over. I dove in anyway.
Many friends came forward to support me at this time and I literally would not have made it without them. There were also a few who thought I was being a lazy duff and told me to just go out and get back to work. What they couldn't see is that whenever I tried to do that nothing worked, and one thing I know about myself is that I know how to manifest results. Whenever I am clear about something; it occurs. It was like the universe was conspiring against that happening. When I let go of my old ways for living life and making things happen then a flow would happen and life just worked for me and the girls.
Toward the end of this period, I reconnected with an old friend, Jack Fitzwater, one of my former college professors. In one of our calls he said, go teach English at a university. I reminded him that I never got a degree. He said,"Who cares, it will work!"
What he said had a different ring to it, a kind of clarity, and I knew to pay attention and do what he said. I spoke to the local university and a summer teacher had just gotten very ill so they agreed to talk with me. We got along fabulously. My executive background and manuscript convinced them I was the one for the job, and they hired me--without a degree. You could have knocked me over with a feather. I taught four classes of college level ESL (English as a second language) to foreign professionals and executives. We all had a great time.
At the end of that summer, I began to think about where I fit in the world. I had no idea what to do with myself, but being a commuting corporate executive was not it anymore. All I asked for was to be allowed to do God's work and take good care of my children. It became my mantra. I knew if these two things were taken care of then everything else in my life would turn out.
A month later, I dialed a wrong phone number--the direct private line of the person who hired me at a corporate charitable foundation. I thought I was calling my daughter's school regarding their annual fundraiser and the call went well logically for about one minute. Then I just stopped and couldn't figure why it had turned strange, why the person on the other end of the phone was no longer making any sense. So I asked her if she was new at her job. She huffily said, "No, I'm a Senior Vice-President." Well, there are no Senior, or otherwise, Vice-Presidents at public schools. Finally, we sorted out that I had dialed a wrong number and we got to chatting and I discovered they had an opening that I was perfectly qualified for. We both agreed this could not have been a coincidence so I went in for an interview and the rest is history. I began as Director of Special Projects and ended up as As Vice President and General Manager of the foundation. I was responsible for producing large high-profile charitable auctions benefiting low income families in Northern California. Later in conjunction with the Russian National Orchestra I produced auctions bringing art and music to children in Moscow orphanages.
So the girls and I were living in gorgeous Napa Valley, California. In terms of beautiful surroundings, great wine, prestige, fun, making a difference, loving one's job, etc., it just didn't get any better, and along the way I had spent time with Sophia Loren, Steve Martin, the Getty family and others.
Then I met John De Ruiter, my spiritual teacher, in April 2000. In our first meeting, we conversed for three hours and my entire life shifted. He saw into the core of my being and spoke to me from that place. He spoke in a highly specific way about how I view reality and what my abilities are as a being, things that I knew were true about me and had never spoken of to anyone. I flew to Canada twice after that to speak with him.
I'm not someone who gets guruitis, meaning I do not give my power to someone just because they are awakened/enlightened, etc. Over the years, I have spent time with powerful awakened people and I knew no one who could begin to touch what he is, so I packed everything and the girls and I moved to Canada (I'm Canadian). Of course, it wasn't quite that simple because one daughter was 13 at the time and she adamantly refused to go insisting for a month that I find her another family to live with. My 18 year old was thrilled to be off on a new adventure. Stewart, was upset because as far as he was concerned I was leaving him and we had only been dating for nine months. Jacques, the girl's father, insisted I pay for him to fly to Canada to see the girls every six weeks or he wouldn't sign documents allowing me to take them out of the country. It all got worked out and we left on August 1, 2001 for what I thought would be one year.
I walked away from everything except the girls and the family cat. Jacques came to visit once in August and then had a massive stroke and died in December 2001. Stewart and I went back and forth for awhile and I still thought I would go back to the U.S. in a year, so we got married in March 2002, three months after Jacques died. I ended up staying in Canada for 10 years. Stewart and I only lived in the same country at the same time for three of our first 10 years together. The rest of the time we went back and forth seeing each other as much as we could. At times, it was extremely difficult to keep our marriage intact. All I knew was that I could not leave what I was learning until I was fully baked. I could not cut short what I was becoming. I had to do what I had to do at any cost. Several times our marriage almost came apart and I don't blame him at all for sometimes wanting to get out of it. Yes, we are still together and having a great time.
It took 10 years for me to shift my identity from the personal and self to what precedes this. I gave the entirety of me and all of my loyalty to a place of deep profound knowing of what is true within. I completely let go into what I can only call God. I came back to the U.S. in 2010.
Years whittled down to two pages can only provide a thumbnail sketch, but I think it gives a flavor of what occurred and a little of my process. Life simply tuned on a dime and took new directions, which cost me almost everything in order to follow what I knew was true within. And... I was willing to pay the entire cost of everything.
So I ask you:
What are you willing to sacrifice for what you know is profoundly real?
If you give yourself over to living a superficial life of comfort, a life just for you, would you be willing to die without ever really knowing what your life is for just so you could preserve your comfort?
Little by little, wean yourself.
This is the gist of what I have to say.
From an embryo, whose nourishment comes in the blood,
move to an infant drinking milk,
to a child on solid food,
to a searcher after wisdom,
to a hunter of more invisible game.
Think how it is to have a conversation with an embryo.
You might say, "The world outside is vast and intricate.
There are wheatfields and mountain passes,
and orchards in bloom.
At night there are millions of galaxies, and in sunlight
the beauty of friends dancing at a wedding."
You ask the embryo why he, or she, stays cooped up
in the dark with eyes closed.
Listen to the answer.
There is no "other world."
I only know what I've experienced.
You must be hallucinating. -Rumi
"However many holy words you read, however many you speak, what good will they do you if you do not act on upon them?" ~ Gautama Buddha
Peace and love...
Saturday, July 7, 2012
The Sacred You
If you cannot find others like you, others who can relate to the deep, the profound, the way you do then you should change nothing. Instead give the sacred within everything you are, all of you, and that will have you moving in ways within all your forms you never thought possible. What you are, what you know is true within you is sacred.
Heart knowledge is worth more than your entire mind. It is the innocent of heart who can see clearly. Let go and step into what you know is most profoundly true within. Be filled with awe at what you are, and.... it is never to be for you but to be given to what the awe comes from, so that you may become that. All of it. All can be healed in this space.
When truth moves, it moves as love.
"Letting go is returning to the true flow." -John De Ruiter
"Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray." -Rumi
Love and peace......
Heart knowledge is worth more than your entire mind. It is the innocent of heart who can see clearly. Let go and step into what you know is most profoundly true within. Be filled with awe at what you are, and.... it is never to be for you but to be given to what the awe comes from, so that you may become that. All of it. All can be healed in this space.
When truth moves, it moves as love.
"Letting go is returning to the true flow." -John De Ruiter
"Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray." -Rumi
Love and peace......
Friday, July 6, 2012
Addendum to: Deep Vulnerability
A few words about forgiveness.
First: A definition of forgiveness: Giving up the right to resent.
Second: Forgive yourself for everything you did to yourself, and for what you were being that kept you from being all you can be. Then forgive yourself for not forgiving, for holding on. From there, give up the right to resent someone else for whatever they did, did not do, were or were not.
Will you ruin your life by refusing to give up the right to resent, forgive? Just let go of it. It can be done, and this does not mean condoning anything. Simply let go of what you are holding onto. You don't need it to survive.
Not forgiving will have your spiritual knickers in twist, and refusing to let go will tie them in a knot.
I once heard Pir Vilayat Kahn say that he learned something about forgiveness when he invited the Nazi who tortured his sister to death in for afternoon tea.
It really is okay to let go and be open, soft, kind and honest.
Peace and love....
First: A definition of forgiveness: Giving up the right to resent.
Second: Forgive yourself for everything you did to yourself, and for what you were being that kept you from being all you can be. Then forgive yourself for not forgiving, for holding on. From there, give up the right to resent someone else for whatever they did, did not do, were or were not.
Will you ruin your life by refusing to give up the right to resent, forgive? Just let go of it. It can be done, and this does not mean condoning anything. Simply let go of what you are holding onto. You don't need it to survive.
Not forgiving will have your spiritual knickers in twist, and refusing to let go will tie them in a knot.
I once heard Pir Vilayat Kahn say that he learned something about forgiveness when he invited the Nazi who tortured his sister to death in for afternoon tea.
It really is okay to let go and be open, soft, kind and honest.
Peace and love....
Deep Vulnerability
Thank you for reading my posts. It is astounding to me that one can write something, let some people on Facebook know about it and within three weeks people in 10 countries are reading my blog. I did not know if anyone would be interested in it or find it helpful, so even if I do not know you personally, I am honored and humbled that you take time to read my posts. I carry you in my heart.
Most of us try to cultivate our strengths, the kind of strengths the world recognizes and values, and yet, these strengths that we use to make it in life, to get ahead, are not what will take you home. Your strengths are not your real power; your real power lies in something the world does not particularly value. However, responding to your strengths feels easy, and what you are used to, but in terms of developing your being it actually makes things difficult. Your real power lies in deep vulnerability. Responding to your deep vulnerability within does not feel easy, and it is not a way of being that many have been trained in. We don't even value it except in certain instances. Do not be fooled though, this not a doormat quality that others might wipe their feet on. When you are deeply vulnerable, no one can do anything to get you, to take you apart, because you are already apart. As you become grounded in this you are total clearness in which anything that occurs in your life just passes through not getting hooked in you anywhere. When you are fully being deep vulnerability there is an innate power that arises, an inner authority, and none of it is for you to use for yourself. You cannot use deep vulnerability in order to gain the power that you actually are. Using it would render it inert. In other words, you cannot fake it, that would just be you being internally dishonest.
It is all about you authentically giving your entire being and mind to deep vulnerability. In this everything shows. You can hide nothing. You will not be able to get away with anything, so it is only the honest that will ever go there. Fully responding to this with your mind may feel like having to relearn absolutely everything. It was like that for me for three or four years. Hopefully you are a faster learner than I was.
This is the very center for a spiritual foundation. The cornerstones of deep vulnerability are the qualities of kindness, softness, openness and honesty. We naturally resonate with these qualities within ourselves. It may have been a long time ago, but we were once all these qualities. This was a time when life, the world, everything was really okay. This must all begin with you being these qualities within yourself.
We can be horrible to ourselves, in ways we would never let anyone else be with us. We invalidate ourselves, go tight inside, be arrogant and selfish, make ourselves sick, and we cut corners (try to get away with things), etc. If you really take this on, you will be noticing every time you are anything that is not founded in kindness, softness, openness and honesty. At first it may feel overwhelming; use all your internal resources to change how you are being with yourself. You will establish a new pattern within you, heart knowledge. This will make your heart greater than your feelings, greater than your mind, greater than your person, greater than your self. You will become more of you. You need to have these cornerstones like your body needs air. Once you are completely trustworthy and grounded in being softness, openness, kindness and honesty in this life then what is beyond this life opens.
There can be no getting away with anything, anything. Honesty within is the only way. Light can only come out of the dark; that is where you first see it.
When you think about it... What is there to protect or control? Isn't what is of real value within impenetrable? Can what you truly are ever be harmed?
Surrender and breathe in this pull. You can do this. Everything is really okay.
Love and peace....
Most of us try to cultivate our strengths, the kind of strengths the world recognizes and values, and yet, these strengths that we use to make it in life, to get ahead, are not what will take you home. Your strengths are not your real power; your real power lies in something the world does not particularly value. However, responding to your strengths feels easy, and what you are used to, but in terms of developing your being it actually makes things difficult. Your real power lies in deep vulnerability. Responding to your deep vulnerability within does not feel easy, and it is not a way of being that many have been trained in. We don't even value it except in certain instances. Do not be fooled though, this not a doormat quality that others might wipe their feet on. When you are deeply vulnerable, no one can do anything to get you, to take you apart, because you are already apart. As you become grounded in this you are total clearness in which anything that occurs in your life just passes through not getting hooked in you anywhere. When you are fully being deep vulnerability there is an innate power that arises, an inner authority, and none of it is for you to use for yourself. You cannot use deep vulnerability in order to gain the power that you actually are. Using it would render it inert. In other words, you cannot fake it, that would just be you being internally dishonest.
It is all about you authentically giving your entire being and mind to deep vulnerability. In this everything shows. You can hide nothing. You will not be able to get away with anything, so it is only the honest that will ever go there. Fully responding to this with your mind may feel like having to relearn absolutely everything. It was like that for me for three or four years. Hopefully you are a faster learner than I was.
This is the very center for a spiritual foundation. The cornerstones of deep vulnerability are the qualities of kindness, softness, openness and honesty. We naturally resonate with these qualities within ourselves. It may have been a long time ago, but we were once all these qualities. This was a time when life, the world, everything was really okay. This must all begin with you being these qualities within yourself.
We can be horrible to ourselves, in ways we would never let anyone else be with us. We invalidate ourselves, go tight inside, be arrogant and selfish, make ourselves sick, and we cut corners (try to get away with things), etc. If you really take this on, you will be noticing every time you are anything that is not founded in kindness, softness, openness and honesty. At first it may feel overwhelming; use all your internal resources to change how you are being with yourself. You will establish a new pattern within you, heart knowledge. This will make your heart greater than your feelings, greater than your mind, greater than your person, greater than your self. You will become more of you. You need to have these cornerstones like your body needs air. Once you are completely trustworthy and grounded in being softness, openness, kindness and honesty in this life then what is beyond this life opens.
There can be no getting away with anything, anything. Honesty within is the only way. Light can only come out of the dark; that is where you first see it.
When you think about it... What is there to protect or control? Isn't what is of real value within impenetrable? Can what you truly are ever be harmed?
Surrender and breathe in this pull. You can do this. Everything is really okay.
Love and peace....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)